Just To Get A Glimpse Beyond This Illusion
by ALostEcho98
Summary: ' The road to hell is paved with good intentions.' He knows that now.


_**I remember the scene in 4.22, 'Lucifer rising 'when sam got that rigged voicemail his expression was terrifying, he was having doubts about what he was doing and when he got the voicemail his mind was made up so I couldn't help but think that he didn't want to make it out alive when he went in to kill Lilith so my muse just couldn't ignore this and the result is in front of you.**_

_**This is basically angst and I have to say I cried while writing this. It has comfort at the end and I think we all agree that during this season and the following one Dean has been shirking his Big brother responsibilities so I needed this to reassure me.**_

_**Just to get a Glimpse beyond this Illusion-**_

_**Disclaimer- Nope, don't own them. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this and we would be watching the 8**__**th**__** season by now.**_

_**Summery- 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.' He knows that now.**_

'_It doesn't matter. Not anymore.'_

It was all for nothing. He had tainted himself and turned himself into a monster, something to be hated and for what?

Releasing the devil from his cage and starting the apocalypse.

He thought he was doing the right thing.

The hopelessness he had felt before is always there these days, it consumes him, overrides every logical thought in his body until he wants to take Ruby's knife and plunge it deep into his-

It scares the hell out of him. So much that if he focuses for long enough he can let go of his mask and scream out his agony in the form of tears.

Sometimes he does, just to escape that crushing weight of his failure, just to prove to himself that he still can.

He never even had a chance, he realizes that now.

He wasn't even supposed to be alive; he was born into this world as a product of a demon deal his own mother had made. His own mother had sacrificed him, sold him before he even existed.

That fact had simply proved it, he was worth _nothing_.

Loved only as an obligation. Cursed, damning everybody he ever loved and everybody who ever loved him.

Not for the first time he wished that Dean had left him for dead at Cold Oak. He was supposed to die there; he was supposed to die _human._ He was the one that let Jake go, he was the one who made that mistake, and he died on his own terms and by his own choices.

But that was taken away from him too.

But then again, when did he ever get what he wanted?

His entire life he was never the one in control, lead like a dog on a leash he set out to do what they wanted him to do.

He was used, his whole life was a sick, twisted game and he lost, _again._

He had been denied every single choice he had made for himself. He had been betrayed by heaven.

His own brother didn't believe in him anymore.

He heard the cruel whispers echo in his mind, breaking his heart and destroying his soul.

'_If I didn't know you, I would want to hunt you'_

'_You walk out that door. Don't you ever come back.'_

'_Dad said I had to save you or kill you, and fair warning, I'm done trying to save you.'_

_You're a monster sam, a vampire and there is no going back'_

_No going back…_

Deep down he knew what that means, there will be no forgiveness, no redemption, not from Dean, never from Dean.

Every time he had felt independent or free. It wasn't real, it was just an illusion.

_Nothing matters_.

This feeling was familiar, he had felt it when he saw the love of his life, the woman he was going to marry, burn on the ceiling.

He had felt it when desperately ran towards his dead father screaming for help.

He had felt it when he saw his brother, his reason for fighting and existing being torn and ripped into by hellhounds and he couldn't do a thing.

This was so much more than agony, this was the pain he had experienced and inflicted his whole life hitting him all at once.

Making him fear the thought of causing any more

Not being able to take it anymore he walked out of the room he and Dean were sharing and stumbled out into Bobby's salvage yard.

He walked till he found a trail that led him to a rocky cliff where he sat down and let the dam break.

He let the tears stream down his stoic and lifeless face, he cried for the people he had destroyed, yes destroyed because the people Sam had loved didn't just die, they were destroyed.

Their mother, gutted and burned on the ceiling

The love of his life, Jessica had the same fate

Their father condemned to face the fires of hell for over 100 years.

Madison, shot in the head by him and her beautiful body ruined, salted and burned.

Dean, torn apart by hellhounds and sent to face the wrath of hell for 40 years.

All for him, and he repaid them by ending the world and everything they had worked for.

All his life at least he had one person he could count on, Dean.

But that was taken from him too.

'_You think I'm going to do it don't you? You think I'm going to go Darkside.'_

'_Yes okay! Yes.'_

That had all but broken him

Then he had tried harder than before to prove his brother wrong.

But he failed at that too.

He had raised the devil and brought hell upon the earth.

He was an abomination, something to be hunted.

He shouldn't continue anymore.

Sam held out his gun and clicked the safety off.

It was a slightly breezy day and there was no moon that day.

A perfect day for the death of something less that human

It was all better this way, he raised the gun and pointed it to his head and hoped that with this final act he could do something good for the world.

"_I'm sorry, for everything."_

He whispered out these words and moved to pull the trigger, freeing the world of the curse named Samuel Winchester.

"Sammy-?"

The world was said in shock but in the same familiar gravel like voice.

Sam froze. Unable to think except for one thing, _nonono this can't be happening, it wasn't supposed to be like this._

He slowly turned around and came face to face with his older brother whose expression right now was tight with fear and cautiousness.

His brother was _afraid _of him, scared that Sam would shoot him.

He closed his eyes and fought against the oncoming tears.

He tried to smile reassuringly and said," It's okay, just go back to Bobby's and it will be over in awhile." All the while trying to keep his voice steady

This did nothing to change Dean's expression except turn it unfathomable and put a certain anxiety in his eyes.

And then Sam understood.

Dean was the one who wanted to end this. End him. After all Dean had done for Sam he couldn't begrudge him that could he?

He then laughed a little brokenly and moved to hand Dean the gun and spoke,' it's already loaded; just pull the trigger and it will be over."

Dean's expression was downright horrified as he said," _Oh god, _Sammy."

He threw away the gun and Sam suddenly realized that Dean didn't want to kill him, he wanted to stop him

Sam couldn't have that. He lunged towards the gun, cocked the hammer and pulled the trigger.

There was a deafening sound and then Sam was knocked out of the way, colliding with something heavy and the gun fell out of his hand and off the cliff.

He just stared at the spot where the gun disappeared and then let out all the grief and agony and collapsed.

He shrieked out his entire ache, loss and failure and sobbed his heart out.

It took him awhile to realize that he was being held in a way he hadn't been since he was 8 years old.

He was sitting in Dean's lap and his head was tucked under Dean's chin and he was nestled into his chest. He was being rocked and Dean was whispering into his ear,"- orry I didn't notice what this was doing to you, what _I_ was doing to you. It's all going to be okay, Sammy, I will make it better, I promise."

This was what he had been waiting to hear, that his big brother would make it all better.

That his big brother still loved him. A part of Sam wanted to believe it but the other part knew that Dean had only saved him because he thought it was his job.

He broke free and spoke in a rough and scratchy voice," you don't have to do that."

Dean was still on his guard but was a little confused when Sam had broken away from him and said those words.

"What do you mean?" his words were light but laced with tension.

"You don't have to pretend that you still care about me."

As soon as those words escaped Sam's mouth, Dean's heart broke a little for the man in front of him, his baby brother, the one who he had put to blame for everything that had happened when he wasn't the only one at fault. The same baby brother who had just tried to take his own life because he had thought he had nothing left to live for

Dean moved towards where Sam was huddled and crouched down before him.

For a long time he didn't say anything and just watched Sam who was trying to hunch over and hide his large frame.

He finally spoke," when you first came home from the hospital, Mom handed you over to me and said,' Dean, this is your little brother Sammy.' And I said- Dad told me this- I said,' So he is mine?'

They laughed and Mom said,' yes he is, but do you mind sharing him with us?' I said,' Okay, but I get him the most.' "

Sam's eyes had grown huge and wet as the story progressed and was staring at his brother with something close to wonder.

' your _mine _Sammy, you always have been, maybe I had lost sight of that for a little while but now I'm back on track and nothing is going to stop me from taking care of you, and you know why? Because I want to and because I need to."

Sam had tears dripping down his face and nodded slowly.

Dean knew it was finally safe to touch his brother and pulled him into a hug.

Sam slowly hugged back and felt some of the ice in his veins melt.

"It still was my entire fault." Sam whispered sadly.

Dean pulled away from him and said,' it was all our faults Sammy, we all were played, hell I was the one who had broken the first seal and we all were played by angels, I mean even Cass was tricked into believing that he was doing the right thing, we all thought we were doing the right thing."

Sam looked up at his big brother, saw the sincerity, affection and love shining in his eyes and he finally, _finally_ believed him.

They slowly stood up and walked back to bobby's house with a new determination in them.

They could face whatever came their way as long as they had each other.

Maybe it was true that being together made them more vulnerable and weaker but it also gave them something to fight for.

And that was all they needed.

_**So how was it? This is my second supernatural fanfiction, and since we are waiting for the 8**__**th**__** season I thought why not pass the time this way. I have to say this idea was in my head for a long time. **_

_**Please review and tell me how it was.**_

_**Thanks,**_

_**Alostecho98.**_


End file.
